In June 2023 I lost my brother Calvin to cancer. He was only 64.
I guess I should be happy that deaths in the family followed the “right” order: My grandparents died before my parents, and my parents died before my brother.
But I’m still angry.
Not angry at Calvin, nor the medical system, nor anything in particular.
Just angry.
Spending time together after retirement has been stolen from us. Leisurely bike rides or hikes. Shared meals for holidays, or just to spend time together.
That being said, I’m doing pretty well. Calvin had a wonderful retirement party a month before his passing, and his bicycle racing community was able to celebrate this life in the annual “Dino Ride” nine days after his passing. While Calvin didn’t want a memorial service, these two events allowed his community to celebrate his life.
Perhaps moving across the country within a few months of Calvin’s passing masked his absence from me. It’s taken me this long to start to really feel the loss. Now, with a trip back to the Bay Area for a few weeks in the near future, it’s sinking in that I won’t be able to visit Calvin.
It’s OK to be angry over loss, but I’m also not getting trapped by that anger. I can still remember good times we’ve had. I’ll still be ablt to visit his wife, as well as our sister, on my return. Hugs will happen, meals will be shared. Tears will flow, but laughter will also fill the air.
So, what’s my message in this post?
I guess I’m sending love to anyone else who has a similar ‘premature’ loss of a loved one. I’m also letting all my friends know that I’m doing OK. Calvin would want me to enjoy my memories of our time together, and I’m doing that.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t still be angry at times.
I look forward to my return to the Bay Area. I’ll take a bike ride along the Bay Trail, one of Calvin’s favorite bike trails. As Calvin said at the end of his last bike ride along the trail, “…keep pedaling, because whatever part of life you’re in, there’s a perfect speed for it. And enjoy yourself and enjoy the people that you meet along the way.”
The wonderful video below shows Calvin’s last bike ride, with his friend Eddie. Video was shot and edited by Vernon Kato.
Sixty-three years of memories
Nice little memorial there! And I can relate to the occasional feelings of anger.
Lee: nice note.
The last time I saw Cal was about 12 years ago, at Epworth church, he had brought your mom to my parents 60th anniversary celebration. Hadn’t seen him for 20+ years. Asked if he was still riding, he laughed and said he was planning to ride his bike into his grave. Probably not the first (or last) time he said that, but I found it warm and amusing. And I can identify with the sentiment, been riding a fair bit in the last 15y since the hips don’t tolerate running or playing soccer so much anymore.
Just wanted to share that anecdote.
John French
Hi John, thanks for sharing your memory. I think the last time I saw you was at your dad’s memorial service. Yes, Calvin kept riding into his grave, and teaching into his grave as well. Love to all the French family.
Lee, This video is a lovely memory. I am going to tag my son Bennett as we approach the anniversary of the death of his older brother Christian 7 years ago at the age of 41.
Lee, Calvin will always be remembered as a very kind humble gentleman by me. We first met when he came into Velo Sport over 50 years ago. I recently lost my Brother also. At times I want to pick up the phone and talk, but no more. Death comes too soon for anyone. Much love from Steve Shultz